Fancy Dress Is Rank!

{ November 1, 2009 @ 3:23 pm } · { Fun, Good Times, Mr Buckeeejit, Random }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

So everyone.  Hows the head?

Did you enjoy your little dressing up games?  Did everyone you meet laugh so much, their sides split at how absolutely hilarious your costume was?    No?.  Bit of a waste of time then eh?

Ah well there’s always next year.  You better get planning.  But before you do.  Give this some thought.

Fancy dress costumes are all well and good if you make it yourself and buy the various little addons that make it that little bit special.  But you see you total twonks who hire them?  Well this fella thinks you need your damn head seen to.

Do you honestly think that the hire company send each and every costume off every single time and have it cleaned?  You do?  Well your even more fukin stupid than I thought.

They might at a push pay some pastey faced Lithuanian to give it a bit of a brush down and hang it out in the wind for a couple hours.  Or blast it with a bottle of Febreeze like gunk.  But no way would profits allow them to have it dry cleaned every single time.  Notwithstanding the fact that the costume would never last much more than four or five hires.

And the idea of hiring a costume makes me want to barf out of my anus. Costume hire is like bowling shoes x 10000000.  Disgusting!

Some other idiot has been secreting their goo and ooze,  their goooze if you will,  all over the inside.  So the next time you feel like hiring the latest Captain Jack Sparra or Wolverine costume.. remember you have Liam from Lisbellaws gooch dandruff nesting in your pubes.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

 

World Is Eeevil!

{ October 24, 2009 @ 11:27 am } · { Mr Buckeeejit, Random, Rants }
{ } · { Comments off }

I am standing in the car park at B&Q on the Boucher Road.  I am checking how I parked and tapping pocket for my wallet before I go inside to by some gloss paint.

The car parking space in front of me is designated for ‘expectant mothers’ or ‘mothers with kids’. A white Mercedes pulls in. An eldery lady stumbles out and her packet of Marlboro cigarettes falls on the ground. She does not notice.

“Excuse me”, I say, pointing at her fags. “Your cigarettes”.

“Oh don’t worry”, she says, unsteady on her feet, “I’ve got children inside!”

“No”, I say, “you dropped your cigarettes”.

She thinks I’m pointing at the parking space sign which says the space is for mothers with kids.

“No no!”, she says again, “my childgrandren are inside!”

“What?”

“I mean my grandchildren are inside! I must collect them at once”, an excuse no doubt perfected over a couple of afternoon Pimms and a Xanex or two.

“No. YOU HAVE DROPPED YOUR CIGARETTES”, I bellow.  She looks at the ground, sees her smokes,  picks them up, refuses point blank to look at me and totters off into the shop without another word.

She is clearly out of her gourd, driving around in the middle of the afternoon without a care in the world. Moments later a pregnant women in a car with her two children is forced to park yards from the doors, meaning a 20-30 stroll to get into the shop.

This is a evil world and no mistake.

Shopping Channel

{ September 26, 2009 @ 4:36 pm } · { Mr Buckeeejit, Random }
{ } · { Comments off }

mttshopI get drawn into shopping channels late at night when I can’t sleep.  Whilst being utterly stupid they are, at the same time, utterly fascinating.

I particularly like the demonstrations involving cleaning products.  A thin layer of dirt covers the floor or carpet and a hoover or cloth apparently made from mithril cleans it up.  You could wash it with a children’s plastic hoover, but oh no.  You need this product and you NEED to buy it tonight, at tonight’s special introductory price of £235.97.  It won’t be coming back to us here at <insert the name of any shopping channel> so you have to buy tonight.  Also buy 3 bottles of amazing magical cleaner bog standard cleaning product for an amazing £12.92 each.

“Someone on the telly is telling me something, it’s true.  Buy, buy, buy.  Quick, they are selling out!”

Whilst in the warehouse they have mountains of boxes of the stuff.  People must fall for it.

It’s amazing how many different descriptions and advantages there are to having something like a potato peeler ‘Multi Slicing and Peeling Tool’:

“as well as peeling spuds like a pro, you can also use this as a murder weapon.  Not one, but two….TWO practical uses.  It’s a 2 in 1 device ladies and gentlemen.  Every home should have one……the phones are on meltdown I’m being told.  Please be patient you will get through.”

How do they get away with it?  It’s comedy without realising.  The other night,  they were selling Christmas decorations.  It’s fantastic insomniac TV!

Although, whisper it quietly, I have secretly always wanted one of these food slicer things!  I think it’s called a mandolin or something like that..you know the one..it could slice your fingers off into a zillion slices.  Wafer thin buckeeejit fingers.. yum!

You Drive Me Crazy…Whoooop Whoooop!

{ September 18, 2009 @ 8:02 pm } · { Good Times, Mr Buckeeejit, Random }
{ } · { Comments off }

Seeing an empty parking spot in a busy road.  However my joy was short lived as I noticed a Mini indicate to go into it….then he hesitated and went about 30 yards further up the road.  There was no way he was leaving that space empty, he must want his car pointing the other way.  I laughed at his ignorance as he hadn’t spotted me lurking for a spot.

As I reversed into the space I seen his headlights in my wing mirror and I let a smile of satisfaction come over me.  Although I couldn’t help but laugh when I seen him let out a massive sigh as he drove past me.

I know that’ll come back to bite me on the bum but for today….You snooze, you loose.

I Hate!

{ September 13, 2009 @ 12:34 pm } · { Mr Buckeeejit, Random, Rants }
{ } · { Comments off }

I might make a series of posts under this title.  There’s loads of things that get right on my wick.  So consider this I Hate numero uno!

People who make noises when they eat.!

Ahhhh you’ve all met one have you?… Isn’t that one of the most annoying things that we have to endure?  Especially when we are in work.  At work if someones having a sandwich at their desk for whatever reason.  There’s just no getting away from the swishy, swashy, gulpy, chewy, burpy, farty fuckers!

There’s this one guy (lets call him Stephen Cairns cos that’s his name) who sits in the drawing office where I sometimes have to go to work and I swear to God.  I want to punch his fucking teeth down his chompy, chewy, bastard gurgling throat!. Really hard until little bubbles of blood come spurting up making all the noise he likes.

How the hell can anyone make such sound when eating?  A pig makes less noise.

I tried to do what he does (in private of course) and I cant manage to get my food into a swallowable state.  It’s like he keeps his trap half open while chewing at the same time and breaths through his mouth.  He sounds like the fucking elephant man for Christ sake.  Why the hell doesn’t he just breath through his nose like any other normal human being?

And to add insult to injury, he’s a fat bastard too.   Suit you better to shut your mouth altogether and leave the food out for a few hours a day matey.

*and breathes*

phew I feel much better now I got that off my chest!

Show Me The money!

{ September 12, 2009 @ 1:53 pm } · { Good Times, Mr Buckeeejit, Random }
{ } · { Comments off }

How good is it when you find money in your jeans?  You know that feeling when you put your jeans on and realise you’ve left something in your pocket…..

“Get in!  Don’t be a receipt, don’t be a receipt, don’t be a receipt.”

You get that same little twinge of excitement you get just as you are about to unwrap a present.

You don’t take it out of your pocket instantly though, you pretend you’re blind and try and work out what it is.  If it’s a bit glossy, you know it’s a receipt and your dreams of riches are shattered instantly.  If it’s crumpled up paper, you can cling onto those dreams of buying a few more pints a bit longer.

“Whoo hoo, it doesn’t feel glossy…but it’s crumpled up, it could be anything”

Your excitement reaches fever pitch and you quickly try to remember the last time you wore the jeans, to work out what it is.  Money or receipt, money or receipt.  Bollocks, you can’t remember.  So you take your hand out and take a sneaky peek before your hand is even out of your jeans.  You big cheater!

“WHOO HOOO, £25, I’VE WON!”

You check your other pockets and have the cheek to feel slightly cheated you haven’t found anymore.

I found £15 in another pair of jeans last week too.  I thought I’d spent a bit more than I’d reckoned lately too – no wonder.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen a lot.  More often than not, it turns out to be a receipt for deodorant from Boots rather than money.

Play Doh HAIR

{ September 6, 2009 @ 3:51 pm } · { Mr Buckeeejit, Random }
{ } · { Comments off }

Going the barbers just seems so unnecessary in this day and age. If we can send man to the moon (allegedly) then we should be able to stop our hair growing. I mean, I cant be the only man who hates the monthly visit to the barbers?

In the time spent in the salon I could be doing something a lot more productive like thinking of better posts to put on here. You sit there staring at your reflection making small talk to the hairdresser. You have to be nice, even if he/she are boring. Laugh at their rubbish jokes and seem genuinely curious to their weekend plans.

Obviously I haven’t done much medical research on this theory. But I propose that we should have a button somewhere or maybe a implant/injection which stops the hair growing when it has reached your required length.

You’d be able to push it through your head like squeezing Play-Doh through one of those extruder things. Then, hey presto it stops growing. Actually, we might as well just have Play-Doh hair.

Imagine the mish mash of styles and colours we could have then. “I think I’ll go for the flat fried egg look today” The next day it can be a swirly purple, green and yellow dreadlock combo.

The possibilities are endless…

I’m A Secret Millionaire!

{ September 5, 2009 @ 11:12 am } · { Fun, Mr Buckeeejit, Random }
{ } · { Comments off }

Hahaha I bet that title got your attention didn’t it?

I’ve been watching repeats of this show on Channel 4  for a while now.  Something keeps bugging me about it though and that’s how much money they give away.

If you haven’t seen the show, the premise is that a millionaire agrees to go undercover in a local area on the pretense that they are making a show about voluntary workers moving into the area.  Nobody knows they are wealthy and the millionaire lives off benefits for a week.  Said millionaire finds voluntary work and finds worthy causes or people to give money to.  In the big reveal at the end they decide which people/organisations to help and how much money to give them.

I think it’s great that the millionaires do this and are willing to give their money away.  They do make a big difference to most of the people and places they help out – refurbishing community centres etc – I’ve been close to a tear once or twice *strikes manly pose and pretends I have dust in my eye* .  However, some of the millionaires do seem a bit tight.

Millionaire: “I’m not really who I say I am.  I’m actually a very successful businessman worth millions“

Person: “Oh. My. God. I had no idea” with a look of shock and glee on their face.  They have already bought a new house and sports car in their head.

Millionaire: “So, I want to give you this cheque for two thousand pounds to help you out”

Person: “aww thanks”

Two thousand….that’s it?  You’re worth millions and you’re giving me two thousand.  Tight git.

Whilst I’d be more than happy with a gift of two thousand to help me in whatever it was they were giving me money for, I’d be gutted if i only got 2k off them!  It’s small change to a millionaire, why not round it off to 5k?  Pay someones rent for a year or pay their mortgage off or something.  Surely, rather than making a difference to people, they are wealthy enough to be make a BIG difference.

Don’t get me wrong, my cap is doffed to each and everyone of them that give their own money out.  Some of the millionaires do go the extra yard and give over and above what they planned to as well.  Others just seem dead tight*.

I’m an ungrateful cynical bastard though!

*he says as he waits for a visit from a millionaire and pondering about having beans on rump steak for dinner tonight.

Chris Brown Woman Hater

{ September 4, 2009 @ 11:44 am } · { Celebrity, Mr Buckeeejit, Rants }
{ } · { Comments off }

So Chris (the woman beater) Brown doesn’t think he got the right sentence from the judge after beating the shite out of Rihanna a while back.

No shit batman!.. Aww poor diddums.  Is it not right that you should be cleaning cars and sweeping the streets.  Isn’t that the best place for  you?

Apparently not!

Apparently Mr Brown thinks his skills would be put to much better use if he was sent to mentor children.  Give them something to look up too etc.

Now excuse me if I’m wrong here.. But..You are the last kind of person that parents would want hanging around their kids.

You are a fucking moron, a wee gobshite and fucking totally worthless to any child with social problems.  What the fuck could you teach them or inspire them to do?.. Whack their fucking mothers if they don’t get  their way?

So take your fucking head down out of your own shitter you little bastard.

You done the crime, now deal with it!

Kid Stuff

{ August 30, 2009 @ 1:27 pm } · { Mr Buckeeejit, Random, Rants }
{ } · { Comments off }

It’s just after seven on a Sunday morning.  Now remember that fact before you tell me I was harsh or rude.

Bringg bringg.

“Hmmm yo?”

“It’s me Matt.  Are you busy can we talk?”

Rubs eyes and chin, glances over at the clock, farts… “no Vikki what’s up?”

“I had a weird dream”

Runs fingers through hair.. “probably all that food and  drink last night”

“No Matt listen!..I dream’t I had two kids”

Screws up face some more and stifles grunt…” That’s good though isn’t it? You’re trying now?”

Screechy girly noises into my ear.. ” Mattttt. One was called Cool and the other The Gang!!!”

“VICTORIA FUCK OFF”

CLICK…

« Older entries